Swingers...why?
75Swingers....why?
If you are a swinger and you are offended by my blog, I guess I apologize. The art of swinging fell into my very suburban lap about two years ago. If you don't know what swinging is, I will tell you. It is where a supposedly very happy, normal couple decide swapping partners with another couple for sex is a great idea. Supposedly, these people, are secure in themselves and their life. I should not judge, but I have not figured out why watching your wife or husband sleep with another person in front of you is a moral and sound act to participate in.
Mark, my boyfriend of four years, and I were out in San Francisco about two years ago when we were first approached. We met a lovely couple at an upscale establishment and started talking. They had four kids, two dogs, and the picket fence. They invited us to their room for a drink. The bar we were in was located in the hotel they were staying in. We said sure.
We went up to their room and started talking about kids, Mark and I have five between the two of us, dog training, business, and then before I knew it I was being asked if I would like to have sex with the man in the room by his wife. The other part of the deal was my very hunk of an Australian boyfriend, and I mean Mark is hot, would have sex with his wife. I immediately grabbed my drink, started smelling if for some sort of odor that would tell me I have just been drugged into complacency with this absurd and looney couple. I smelt nothing. I didn't take chances though, instead I opted for a glass of water out of the tap that I went and retrieved for myself. Mark about jumped out of his skin when he was innocently going to take a sip of his drink and I screamed "NO!"
Of course I politely refused. The good news was they accepted our decline to their invitation with grace and ease. The curious side of me once again got the best of me. Mark wanted to split and I wanted to interview them. I asked them question after question, trying to figure out why this would be a good idea. You would have thought I was writing an article for the San Francisco Chronicle.
After my forty five minute interrogation I walked away with some answers. I asked questions like, why would you want to watch the person you love have sex with another person? The answer was, sex is just sex. It means nothing more than arousing a person's body. I thought, "wow." I explained that sex to me is the most personal, and intimate act that you can do with another human being. You cannot get any closer to another person, than sex. I truly believe, there is some serious insecurities in these people's characteristics that would cause them to want to play such a game.
I won't go into all the questions, but what it came down to really, was a load of crap. I did find out by the end of the conversation the wife was just going along with this to please the husband. I told her in front of this man,"this is the most absurd and ridiculous role that you are coerced into playing as the wife. It is not your duty as a wife to have sex with other men, and for your husband to have sex with other women in front of you. If you are only doing it for your husband you will suffer great consequences later on mentally, and possibly physically at one point." After that statement we were asked to leave.
Over the last two years Mark and I have been propositioned about eight times. Each time, I leave that couple feeling sad for their need to fulfill something that is missing in them and their marriage with such a dirty deed. I am sure they have excuses, and claim this makes them happier. I would ask whom does make it happier? Both of them or one of them? I would dig deep down in my psyche to figure out what I am missing in my life to play a game that could end up detrimental to my family and myself.
Fast forward to two nights ago, Friday the 13th! A couple we have known for four years, our sons play baseball together, and we have had family get togethers, and plenty of good old fashioned fun, invited us to their hotel room they checked into to celebrate Valentine's Day. They had to do have their celebration on Friday night instead of Saturday due to kids schedules. We said sure we would love to join you for a drink, first in your room, and then the lobby bar.
I am going to get straight to the point. We walk in and porn is playing on the tv. Ok, weird! I know these people, there is no way I could have misjudged. Next they ask us to play cards. Sure, we love cards. We play gin rummy. My girlfriend wins, we then realize we are playing truth or dare gin rummy. I excuse myself and go to the bathroom, yes porn is still playing, Mark follows me, we plan our escape, come out to say good-bye and my girlfriend is performing a sexual act on her husband. We leave.
Tell me, how do I act when I see them at little league, or a church function, or the grocery store, or at the school carnival? I came home, the first thing I did was start laughing hysterically for about ten minutes. Mark was in shock! I said honey, "either we exude sexual promiscuity or we appear to be very naive."
What a weird and strange world we live in. I hope I am not becoming the minority, and the swingers are the majority!
CommentsLoading...
Man, I want to be open minded and tolerant and all that, but the idea really kinda weirds me out.
Though I do not believe in the lifestyle. I do believe everyone has the right to live by the way they so choose.
I agree everyone has a right to choose the way they live, but do they have the right to try and recruit people to their way of life? Do people have the right to stomp on other's personal space in such a way that could bring such an uncomfortable feeling to a person that a weak individual might give in? It is a tough call and a tough position to be in!
tough position....pun intended?
It wouldn't be my idea of fun, certainly.
If consenting adults want to do it, I reckon it's up to them. But not my cup of tea!
I personally know, and have met a lot of 'swingers' and even though they say they are secure in their relationships, I believe that is a crock. Of all the couples I met, only one is still together in the 'lifestyle'. All the others have dropped out, most have split up as well. One couple survived their walk on the wild side and is still together (out of the 'lifestyle') but it took a lot of work.
(LOL I could tell you stories!)
Enelle, I knew it! I don't know how a relationship could survive in the long run! Thank you for your insight.
i could relate to your friday the 13th,as i was having lap dances on the east coast,but i did not feel guilty! my wife and i have been to swing clubs in fl. she has many men showed interest in her,her hang-ups prevented her from hooking up,we have had soft swaps with friends ,its seems normal to me i wanted to swap with friends of friends of my ex-wife many years ago,but she made a scene so i just forgot about it ,i can appreciate your anxiety about sex who you hardly know,a man and his wife/g/f can only have fun providing you are both open minded,and not jealous ,if you love some one ,you shouldnt mind sharing! a professional counselor stated it best,any thing goes between male and female as lond as it consensual and does not hurt any body,its not immoral,lol.
It doesn't sound consensual in your relationship. I am wondering if swinging contributed to your wife becoming your ex-wife. I am pretty sure your wife was not happy watching the lap dances no matter how many men showed interest in her. I believe the best scenario for you is to find someone with similar morals. As you say, what you are doing is not immoral, but the ones you seem to find obviously find it immoral. Your name says it all, womanizer! Nothing wrong with that, you wear it well, and shout it to the world. I sincerely mean that with respect. The wonderful part about you is you are upfront and honest with what you want.
thanks for your response,my ex would never go to topless bar with me,but i didnt try to hide it from her or any one else,my current wife has had lap dances along with me she acted as though she enjoyed them ,but she is insecure with weight gain as a result on many surgeries that impaired her ability to walk! at times i get feedback from her the next day! i always enjoyed conversing with attractive women married or not! i never was into golf hunting or fishing,she and her female friends tell me i should go alone ,which i do when i have the cash flow ,as far as swinging goes we would never participated if her best friend intoduced us to the lifestyle! no one knows (our little secret) the friends are very liberal and respect ful as well; i suppose i was a lttle ahead of my time after i seen (bob and carol ,ted and alice) i just wanted to experiece it , i have never cheated on her , my libido is not what it was 25 years ago,now i am more into sensualty than lustor just fun ,i deletted a e-mail ths am from hub pages because i wasnt sure who it was,paranioa i guess hang in there girl have a nice weekend!
re;hchogan comments,it is sort of ironic that our swing friends turned me onto this website sunday nite ,when we were invited for an encounter,you strike me as a intelligent professional person who is not judgemental about other lifestyles, my motto is i dont care what you have done or who you did with,just tell me the truth! you are 100% right about my honesty, one of my only virtues,between marriages i had many sex partners,i wont say how many.because you would think as my wife ,i was bragging,i would not brag abut anything ,i enjoy chatting with you ,because you are genuine and have moral virtues,even tho i am from the bible belt,my virtues pale in comparision to yours! i cold use a friend like you if your b/f has no objection!
Mr. Womanizer, Life is a funny thing, we really don't get into the groove of it efficiently and with our judgement, beliefs and routine until in our mid-thirties. I believe that whole heartedly. The great thing about life is the journey we are on to get to the end. I don't mean death, I mean to inner peace and happiness. The key to inner peace and happiness is loving yourself and the person you are. If you have inner peace and happiness who I am to judge you? I am not a qualified judge! No one is. Only God, can judge, God doesn't judge you either, he forgives you and offers guidance. If you are comfortable in your life, you get life. Too many people try pleasing others due to their own insecurities. Most likely, they have been pleasers their whole life, never succeeding in pleasing the one that they most wanted to please. So what happens is they then move onto others to please in currently in their life. Your wife could be one of those people. Acting like she liked the lap dance to please you instead of pleaseing herself. Which means, she would either a; stay at home or go somewhere else while you had your extremely sexy lap dance or b; she watched in pleasure or finally c; she expressed her true feeling, which is she does not enjoy this part of your marriage and would rather not participate in these acts and that means you too. Unfortunately, and I don't know for sure,I believe you have found women that are pleasers. Somehow insecure in themselves. You are a secure male, but what would happen if you actually found a secure female? She might say no to you and your other lifestyle and you don't want that. Maybe subconsciously you have chosen weaker women than yourself. Guess what? Nothing wrong with that. You are getting what you want. But are you really? You strike me as a strong man that is confident, well read, and proud. You want the same type of woman but might be afraid. My boyfriend trusts me 100%. I would never betray him. I find trust to be the most important factor in any relationship. I mean every relationship. I trust my children, I have three, my sister, my brother, finally my father, and Mark. That is because I am honest, and I demand honesty from those around me. I have only been burned once, and boy did it hurt! How many sex partners you have had means nothing to me! It is not you bragging. It is either a sign of your youth or a sign of you out there searching for answers. I don't think you have found the answer you are looking. I keep getting the feeling your father screwed you over. Could be wrong. Have a fabulous Sunday! I am going hiking!
i never thought that your hub pages would be so addictive,having said that,my wife is a bonafide people pleaser as you described! my sister-in-law told me the same thing last year that she is telling me the things i want to hear! she is paranoid about me having dances from younger girls/women,i have no desire to hook up with them,only one girl i have known for three years,is like a best friend ,a daughter, and makes me feel like a man and young again,and i respect her limitiations and in moral values! i know you will find this hard to believe,in my teen years i was so shy,that i could not talk to girls,it was very embarassing ,i was very depressed after divorce with first wife,and isuppose i had a point to prove to my self! if you can put 2+2 together i posted about tradegies (black and white)ithink it is called,my youngest son would be about your age.he was a graduate from university of tenn. im out of here for today!
"I know there were a lot of swingers in the 1970's. And today there is even more. I was brought up with morals, and swinging was definitely not one of them! There must be a lot of things wrong in a marriage if people feel they need to swing. They better watch for std's. With aids running rampent today wouldn't you think people would have better sense. Then again some people have no sense at all."
Sorry im commenting on this so late but this is a MUST READ for all married couples... I guess everybody (who is married) should look in the mirror and ask themselves: Where is my marriage going?, Do I really have to SHARE my spouse to a perfect stranger or starngers?,... I guess people want to take that ride on the wild side once in awhile, they say it keeps the flame going, but I`d say it puts it out in the long run... there`s a saying: All is fair in LOVE and WAR... and I know that there are alot of skeletons in many peoples closets all around the world and that`s the way its been for centuries and it`ll keep on going for years to come . I`m no saint but you gotta ask yourself, is it worth the risk of screwing up a wonderful marriage, I have had my experiences (no swinging yet) but if I feel i need to spice up my sex life... I`ll do it with my wife only, become virgins for the second time if you will (use your imagination), explore...there are so many ways a couple can elevate the experience...just read alittle, there are alot of great books out there that can help make that sweet sensation even sweeter and then it`ll really feel like the first time, over and over and over again...Thank You For The Hub!
I doubt this will get read by you at this point, but I thought I'd address some of this for those who might stumble upon this blog.
I find it interesting that people are so quick to judge without any facts backing up their feelings. On what do you all base this assertion that swinging ruins marriages? Or that these people are missing something in their lives if they swing? It's based simply on your gut; based on YOUR values. Or at best, the one or two people you've talked to who have had a bad experience, while dismissing the 10 others who have said it's been a good addition to their lives.
Let's talk about that last point there. Obviously you've talked to a few swingers since you know that swingers tend to say swinging has made their marriages stronger. But in order to hold on to your pre-existing viewpoint, you assume that the ones who claim to be happier are somehow wrong, and then you pounce on the individual who had a bad experience and say "See! I KNEW it destroyed marriages!" Huh? How is that balanced? How can you dismiss the larger group that disprove your idea and embrace the one person who backs it up? Talk about seeing only what you want to see. You're just cherry-picking the information that supports your viewpoint!
If you want to know the truth about swingers, go on a swingers advice site. See the issues that people deal with and how they deal with them. Look at the advice from couples who have been swinging for 20 years (20 years is a long time to live a lie).
I'm sure you've guessed this by now: Yes, I'm a swinger. I'm not offended by your blog, but I always find it interesting to see people project their values onto others who don't share them. Because YOU can't see yourself having recreational sex, you assume that anyone who can is hiding their true feelings behind a mask and that the woman (naturally) is being forced into something.
Actually, to that point, I have to question your claim that the first woman really said she was doing it only to please her husband. This is EXTREMELY rare in the lifestyle and while it does happen, these couples don't last very long. In fact, if another couple finds out that one partner is involved under duress, they won't hook up with them. That is a recipe for trouble and no one wants to be party to such coercion. The only people who are willing to have sex with someone like that are desperate, and swingers are not desperate; they have plenty of partners to choose from who do want to have sex with them.
The truth is, most swinging couples love each other passionately. They're affectionate even 20 years into their marriage, and most were that way before and after getting into swinging. Successful swingers were very happy and very much in love before they got into the lifestyle, and grow even closer and happier after joining the community. But I guess that closeness we feel is a lie? I guess you think the affection is a mask to hide our pain? Lies like that might last for a few weeks or a few months, but they don't last for years.
The bottom line is that we view sex differently than you do. That's a major point that you seem to dismiss, but it's the key to why we can swing and have it be healthy and why it makes us happier. We don't expect everyone to understand this and we don't expect everyone to be swingers. But it works for us. We can distinguish between sex and love, and we have a different kind of sex with our spouse then we do with friends. It's the emotional ties that are important to us. If my wife had an emotional affair with a man, I would be very hurt. If she started telling a partner that she loved him, I would feel the same way you would upon discovering your husband has had an affair. But sex and love are not the same thing to us. Is it really so hard to believe that?
Almost any guy will (if being honest) tell you that sex and love are not the same. Guys don't fall in love with you on the first date, but they're ready to sleep with you all the same. And since most couples are having sex on the third date, I would say that sex tends to come before love for nearly all of us. Or can you honestly say you had fallen in love with your husband by the third or fourth date? After having spent what, a grand total of maybe 10 hours with him? Really? And what about all of you girls that slept with your boyfriends on the first date (something that is much more common than most women will admit)? They were already in love after two or three hours? Really now? How about we just be honest and admit that we've all had sex with someone we didn't love (or at least, love yet)? Love is not a requirement for sex, and if you're being honest with yourself you can look back on your own life and see that it's true. We're all adults here, aren't we? We can at least have an honest conversation about this, can't we? Or would you rather continue to dismiss the facts that don't fit with your preconceived notions and embrace only those that do?
Look, I don't expect you to understand swinging, but that doesn't mean you should judge us as damaged people either. Yours is not a fair assessment and it's based on willful ignorance. It's clear you've make very little attempt to find out who swingers are and why they swing, and that you prefer to reject any ideas that don't support your stance.
I have several family members that have been heavily involved in this lifestyle. Coincidentally or not, none of the marriages have lasted.
Completely disagree with dusy7969. We have known many people in the lifestyle and many outside it, and the marriages of those within it have been much more stable than those of the 'straights'
My husband and I have been together for 23 years. been in the swinging lifestyle for 14 years. Our marriage is very strong! To answer your question is it right for swingers to invade your personal space....NO, There are websites and clubs where swingers can get in touch with other swingers! I agree with Deb n Brian, The friends we have who are swingers have much stronger marriages than those of our "vanilla" friends.
Hmmmm...I am currently dating an incredible man...we connected very quickly. But just as quickly I am struggling with all of the above issues as he has informed me of his swinger lifestyle. Does he really care about me? Did he seek me out as an "easy target". If I agree to partake is it going to ruin our realtionship? Am I cansidering this because I want to or because I want to please him? Uggggggh. I guess I need to fugire out what it is that I want?
Frankly, while your article is interesting I think it does come across as a bit judgemental about the swinging lifestyle. Most couples who engage in swinging and who enjoy it have amazing relationships, with a very intense degree of communication, trust and love. Because swinging isn't really about other people, it's about deepening your own relationship through expanding your sexual experiences together. There is a difference between sex and love for swingers, and it's a healthy thing. Read "How to Turn Your Partner into a Swinger" at http://www.becomeaswinger.com and I think your perspective will change.
Cheers
Wow this is the place I have been looking for. We are the minority. The swingers are the majority. I have even been socially scorned because I believe they are disgusting. Someone very close to me made me feel like i was sick because i didnt believe this alternative lifestyle wasnt normal. Glad Im not alone.
What im not so sure about is why do certain people on here continue to try and convince everyone else that swinging is ok when the original author specifically noted in her first story how she didnt mean to offend but dont try and push your views off on other people. then people get on her blog to say we are all wrong again and say its ok and it deepens the relationship...im going to call BS on you. I know alot of swingers very close because I was pushed into the lifestyle at one point and got to know them after i figured out that it was wrong and also interrogated alot of them to try and figure out the loved one i was trying to please and guess what. They are all for the most part sexually unsatisfied and just want that strange without going to get a divorce or be caught for cheating. So they bring in their partner so they cant be condemned for it later.
I just checked out that link tywias posted. From what it seem it does try to manipulate your partner into swinging. Make it your partners idea? what the hell is that? that is manipulation!!!!!!
we start swinging a month ago i like to see how ny wife have sex with several men she is happy and I'm happy
what can I say.
elpeje68@yahoo.com
Mr.TJ Leeland....Thank you so very much,I being a lifestyler for over 12 years and securely married for 20 plus years appreciated your response. the lifestyle and those in it are grossly misunderstood by all.
however I do agree that lifestylers should not be pushy or try to convert people.that is why there are swingers club so lifestylers can mingle amongst themselves without being what you could offensive to non lifestylers with there actions.
goldentoad 3 years ago
wow. that is crazy. very interesting read. can't say I've swung with my wife, and I don't think I ever will. I know better than to even ask.